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Can Your Man Tell You to Lose Weight? | His vs. Her Side

This is a different type of #FitnessFriday post.  I’d like to discuss the idea of your man suggesting that you lose weight.  How’s that for pillow talk?!  Below you’ll read my side and his side.  I’d love to hear YOUR side too!

Can He Tell You to Lose Weight

My Side:

Recently during a conversation about my father’s approach to “helping” me control my weight, I complained that his tactics were harsh, unnecessary and unhelpful.  I lamented on and on about how he constantly warned me about my alleged pending weight problem (due to my family history) to the point that I didn’t realize that at a size 6, I was actually QUITE thin in high school.  My point was that IF he really wanted to help, I would’ve preferred that he lead by example and live an active and healthy lifestyle.  I soooooooo didn’t appreciate the lectures he dished while grasping a bag of Oreos.  Years after high school sports stopped, I picked up quite a bit of weight and he resorted to using harsh words hoping it would “shock” me into action. But instead of being motivated, I was resentful.  To be honest, while none of my immediate family are grossly obese, we could ALL stand to lose a few….so who was he to tell me?!

Oh no you didn't Sheneneh My guy listened to me drone on and on about this issue – and knowing I am actively working to lose weight – he asked the dreaded questions:  What do you weigh now and what is your goal?  *gasp*  Hold the phone and clutch the pearls!!!!  Initially, I caught an attitude and was like “Oh no you didn’t ask me that! Don’t you know better than to ask a woman that?  Especially one who’s working like a Hebrew slave to lose weight?!”

Well, I eventually gave in and revealed both my goal and my current weight.  And waited.  He responded with silence  (something he does quite often that annoys the poo outta me).  Now that I’d told him, I wanted to know what he thought!  Finally he says “Yeah, I think that would be good weight for you.”  WHAT????? So you trying to call me chunky now? You think I need to lose weight? You don’t like my body?  All kinds of insecurities popped into my head and the accusations questions flew out of my mouth.  Instead of giving some type of positive reassurance, he acted as if I was being overly dramatic and needy.  Ummmm, no!

Here’s the thing. I DO actually support my man telling me I need to lose weight.  When I hear women say “Uh-uh, he betta love me extra pounds and all…I ain’t finna lose weight for HIM” I cringe.  Obviously we all have to want it for ourselves otherwise no action will ever be taken, but if we aren’t motivated to look good for our significant others then who on earth WILL motivate us?  After all, we tried our best to look good to get him in the first place right?

But, what I need HIM to understand is that its not that easy for us.  In 99% of relationships, kids or no, the woman has more responsibility than the man, especially if you are a career woman.  Plus, our bodies naturally hold onto fat more than men (its not a myth, I was taught this in med school ladies).  On top of that maintaining our hair while working out is harder than they can ever imagine! So, when he casually said he thought I’d look best twenty pounds lighter, I felt like he was telling me to just DO it.  And he’s naturally thin which made it sting even more.

A few days later, I thanked him for his honesty and took it as motivation to really try to knock the rest of this weight off.  So yes, my man CAN suggest I lose weight, but it must be done with love, kindness and most of all SUPPORT!!!  Don’t be like my father telling me about the problem instead of participating in helping me fix it! Prove Drake wrong and be with me when I’m shooting hoops in the gym!

black-couple-working-out

His Side

Can a man ask his significant other to lose weight? Technically, yes. Will said man most likely be vilified? Almost definitely, yes. We live in a day and age where everyone gets a trophy, no one loses and the act of deeming anything unacceptable comes off as harsh and callus. In this “accept me as I am” society, one should tread lightly even hinting that a woman could probably maybe conceivably-possibly-perhaps stand to lose a pound or two. Oh what a tangled web we may weave when first we practice to be honest!

A woman must be approached about her weight with the precision and delicacy of a trusted adviser. In the days of the king and his court, the king’s most skilled adviser knew that even if his counsel was correct, presenting it poorly and upsetting the king could put his life in danger. Those same rules apply when advising a woman on her weight. Do it poorly and she will have your head faster than Henry VIII after news that he had been birthed a female heir.

There is no perfect advice that I can give on the subject because of the many different temperaments that may be faced, but there are examples that may work. Most women at least try to show interest in the things that her bf/husband has interest in. Leading her to the gym by showing interest in it is always worth a shot.  Most people feel that being blunt, honest and forthcoming is the way to go about things, but in this instance it will serve no justice. Insinuating nicely will also do no good at all, heads will still roll. If history has taught us anything it’s that the actions and approach of the skilled adviser work best in the presence of a king, or in this case a queen…

Alright, your turn! Can your SO tell you to lose weight?

Fitness Friday Under Construction (1)

We are still sharing our fitness related posts for #FitnessFriday although we are currently revamping it a bit.  I hope you all are still going strong with your fitness and wellness journeys!  Share your posts below!


Ebony C. Princess About Ebony C. Princess

A self proclaimed hair enthusiast and healthy hair advocate, Ebony C, Princess is the chief editor of Longing 4 Length. She shares her personal journey towards growing long, healthy hair while providing hair care tips and information.

  • S.O.S Hair

    Oh no he didn’t!!! Ha-ha!

    I’m absolutely a-okay with my hubby noticing my weight—regardless of if its a weight gain or loss. I do ask that he be kind, gentle, and loving when he does mention it. Especially if he knows that I’m struggling. Hit the gym with me. Sign us up for a 5k comp. But complaining about my weight and not committing to being a positive motivating force will pave the road to some fierce resentment.

    I love this #fitnessfriday post!

    http://www.savingourstrands.com

    • http://www.longing4length.com/ EbonyCPrincess

      Yes he did girl!!! Yes @ “will pave the road to fierce resentment” – exactly! You can comment, but do it the wrong way and its going to be a problem!

  • Li

    I dont know how the conversation turned into being about your weight. I thought it was about you and your dad and wether his comments had helped you or not.

    Generally, i dont think comments on appearance should be said unless a person specifically asks for it. Even as a parent. You can guide your children by making sure you have only healthy food at home, regular habits and that they do exercise. But at no time, i think anybody should give anything but positive comments about soneones looks. It is not like overweight people dont know that they need to loose weight. It is not being caring.

    I dont think a SO should comment on your weight. Nobody should.

    • http://www.longing4length.com/ EbonyCPrincess

      Lmbo, I read him your comment!!! I was like “see we were over here talking about my daddy and here you jumped in to give your two cents!” He was like “that’s not what happened”. I think its perfectly okay for you to feel its an off-limits topic and to make sure your SO knows and understands. He needs to respect the fact that you consider it rude.

      • Li
  • http://www.chicfromhair2toe.com/ NERLINE GERMAIN

    I so wish somebody had told me that I needed to lose weight before I reached 179 pounds. I was only 132 when I met my husband. With happiness came kids, and with kids came the weight gain. Happiness makes me gain weight too. It happens naturally. My man can tell me to lose weight only if he can find the nicest way to say it.

    • http://www.longing4length.com/ EbonyCPrincess

      Chileeeee, yes! Me too girl, I wish I’d made changes before having a drastic amount to lose also! I can see how happiness makes you gain, for me its stress or any type of major lifestyle change (moving, new job, starting grad school, etc).

  • StylePoise

    OMG…this post came right on time! As I have gained A LOT of weight since being at my ideal weight of 130 last year. My hubby used to have the habit of making indirect comments regarding my weight, which would annoy me beyond end because it was almost as if he was thinking bad things about the way I looked and addressing it in a cowardly way. One day, I had it and laid into him, letting him know that I rather him be upfront and direct with me about any issues(including my weight), especially if it’s obviously bothering him. Since then, he has taken that approach and I honestly appreciate it. It has helped to motivate me to get back on my fitness grind. Sometimes motivation is hard to find for me, if I don’t have a major event coming up, in which I want to look good for. So, I shared all of that to say, I have no problem with my man being open and honest with me about my weight. It is essential that he is attracted to me and loves my appearance and vice versa. I may not comment on my hubby’s weight but I’ll tell him if he’s getting too hairy or other body image related things that may be an “issue” for me.

    • http://www.longing4length.com/ EbonyCPrincess

      “it is essential that he is attracted to me and loves my appearance and vice versa” — AGREED 100%! And I’m glad you told him to stop trying to be slick about it. Esp because when they take that approach the comments are often a lot more frequent than just being direct ONCE, which can also be extremely annoying.

      Btw, I thought you quite thin at your wedding and tbh the weight gain doesn’t show in your pics and you know the camera adds 10 lbs. You have to be happy wherever you are but you look great!

  • Michelle

    I am of the opinion that no one, particularly a SO, should comment on another person’s weight. Weight gain or being overweight/obese is a sensitive topic and like another commenter mentioned, the person knows they are overweight/obese so saying it is unnecessary. Personally, I have struggled with my weight my entire life but I was never considered obese by bmi standards and even being a little overweight, it hurt to hear comments from family members so I can only imagine how it would feel if I had more weight to lose. Three years ago, I lost about 30 pounds and have largely kept it off since, now making my weight in the healthy range. My SO never once commented that I needed to lose weight and I appreciate that. If anything, he reassured me that I was beautiful as I was. When I finally made the decision to lose weight, I did it because I was ready. I didn’t feel the added external pressure from a SO, which may have resulted in my feeling worse about my appearance than I already did. It was something I knew I knew I needed to do and I felt ready to commit to a lifestyle change. IMO Struggling with your weight is hard enough without having to hear from someone as important as your SO that you need to lose weight. The best thing a SO can do is allow you to make the decision to lose weight on your own, and support your endeavors when you do.

  • Cece0931

    Hmmm.interesting question.i have no significant other at moment but i think it would depend on how and why.if i had a SO and i gained 10 pounds and he said im hefty or something he would be going right out with the trash but if it was a matter of me not being able to walk up the stairs and was getting high blood pressure and diabetes and my health was on the line and he mentioned it with tough love and concern i would appreciate. Its about health and looking out for one another

  • http://healthyhairzone.blogspot.com/ Healthy Hair Zone

    Yeah, it’s okay as long as he’s supportive in your weight loss efforts. I use to be over 200lbs and my husband bought me a treadmill, and did tae bo with me ( yall remember Billy Blanks lol). Right now I could stand to loose 10lbs and he needs to loose a some weight as well so we recently got a gym membership.